


A wizard's coming to dinner

by thesweetpianowritingdownmylife



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Crack, Don't read if you are part of the CR cast or crew, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fantasy Racism, M/M, Minor Original Character(s), references to the fresh prince of bel air
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-06
Updated: 2019-12-12
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:49:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21693316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesweetpianowritingdownmylife/pseuds/thesweetpianowritingdownmylife
Summary: Of all the favors that Essek might have asked of the Mighty Nein, having Caleb pose as a fake partner to scandalize his family seems pretty tame. Surely he can go through it without hurting his own feelings or making a fool of himself, right?Right?
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 111
Kudos: 710





	1. The proposition

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this after watching episode 79, so it doesn't take into account anything that happened afterwards.  
> This is cracky and self-indulgent and stupid. It's a fake dating au, what did you expect? Dignity?? From me???? Be realistic.

“I have a favor to ask of you.”

Caleb tensed up. He had been happy when Essek had shown up at their door, hoping for another dunamancy lesson. He should have known. They had done nothing but take and take from Essek lately, and now it was time to pay.

What would it be? Slaying some abomination? After their latest bitter failures, Caleb was starting to lose faith in their abilities. Essek probably wouldn’t care if they lost any members of the group as long as the job got done; there would be no running away.

But why then, had he asked that they meet in private?

“Anything you want.” Caleb winced internally. That was probably too intense.

Essek nodded, pleased, a slow smile blooming on his face. “It’s just a trifle, really, but it’s a good beginning towards paying off your debt.” He paused. “Specifically towards me, if not towards the Dynasty.”

Caleb quirked an eyebrow in interest.

“I have a problem of a…personal persuasion. You see, while my den boasts of the pride I bring to it by being the Shadowhand, they find me lacking in other regards. You know how meddlesome families can be.”

_Not really_ , Caleb thought. “Sure,” he lied. “Although it is hard to imagine that they wouldn’t be satisfied with you.”

_Way to lay it on thick, dude_ , said a voice in his head that sounded remarkably like Beau’s. Essek raised an eyebrow, but didn’t react to his statement otherwise.

“They complain that I work too much, and that I should make time for other…endeavors. ‘You’re almost 200 years old, son, when are you going to find a nice boy and settle down?’ ” he mimicked with a shrill voice. Caleb couldn’t contain a small burst of laughter. “I agree, it’s a bit funny.”

“It seems that humans and drow aren’t that different after all.” Caleb commented affably, remembering a similar rant from Beau. “But I don’t really see how I could help with that.”

“Well…” Essek hesitated. “There is a meeting of my den coming up. It’s a social affair, nothing political. It occurred to me that maybe if I showed up with company, it might help quiet down the comments for a century or two.”

Caleb gulped. “Oh?”

“And” Essek continued, “if I were to show up with a, how to say it, an undesirable companion, perhaps the wishes for me to get serious in the matter of relationships would die off for half a millennia.”

Oh. _Undesirable_. That stung a little bit.

Essek hurried to add. “Not that you are…”

“ _Ja_.”

“I’m sure that, for human standards…”

“ _Ja_.”

“You understand, being at war with the Empire…”

“ _Ja_.”

“I really mean no offense.”

“None taken!”

It stung a lot, actually.

He must have been reading things wrong. Jester and Nott had been insisting that the Shadowhand had some kind of interest in him, but he shouldn’t have trusted their instincts, or his own. After all, Nott had a mistaken idea about his worth, and Jester tended to get carried away when it came to these things.

Some of his discomfort must have showed on his face, because Essek hovered closer to him and put a hand on his shoulder. “I have nothing but the highest respect for you.” His voice was painfully sincere. “You’re a hero of the Dynasty. Do not think I have forgotten that.”

Caleb forced himself to look him in the eye and nod, even managing a weak, nervous smile.

Essek sighed. “You can turn this down. If you’re not amenable, there will be other occasions to repay your debt.”

Caleb looked away. “I am amenable. Just one evening, _ja_?”

“That is correct.” He took his hand away.

“How do you wanna do this?” he asked. “Should I show up in my old ratty clothes from my Empire days? Behave like a drunk? Embarrass you or them?”

Essek tsk’d with his tongue. “None of that. In order for this to work, my interest in you must appear believable. Come fresh-shaven, with some of those pretty flowers weaved in your hair, and your most winning smile. Be charming and respectful, I’ll send you some notes on Xhorhasian etiquette that you can study beforehand to avoid any faux pas. You are going to bewitch them.” He bit his lip. “But don’t actually use your spells on them; everyone at that meeting will surpass you on ability.”

“I was not planning on doing that.”

“Good.” Essek paused to think for a moment. “Actually, be nice, but do try to hide your intellect. If they thought I was dating a genius, they might find it in themselves to look past their prejudice.”

_A genius? Was?_ “You want me dumb and pretty?”

“Essentially, yes.”

Caleb looked back at Essek, still hovering a bit too close for comfort. This man could really throw him for a loop. From “undesirable” to “genius” in less than one minute. It was not a bad offer; Caleb would rather do that than risk the lives of his friends fighting a Tarrasque. He dreaded social situations, true, but it might not be as terrible if he was just playing a role, and didn’t have to impress anyone.

“Sounds feasible.”

Essek chuckled. “Fantastic. Then I’ll give you directions to my tailor, so you can have appropriate clothes made. Or actually,” he smirked mischievously, “slightly inappropriate.”

Caleb’s expression soured in panic. Weird drow BDSM implements flashed through his mind.

“Still within sociably acceptable limits, do not worry.” Essek reassured him. “Just something that someone not fully immersed in our culture might choose to wear, and showing a little more skin than you’re used to.”

_Skin?_ “Uh, my arms, they are…not very sightly. Seeing them uncovered might, um, put someone off their dinner, so...” he finished lamely, his thoughts stuttering out of order for a minute.

“Oh.” Essek’s eyes wandered to his arms for a second, and then back up. “I will keep that in mind.” He added with a gentler voice. “Do you have any questions?”

Caleb took a moment to think it through. “Would we be required to behave very… affectionately?” he forced himself to ask.

“Public displays of affection are not encouraged in my den.” Essek reassured him. “We have a warmer disposition than most people in our country, I would say, but also very private. No kissing nor inappropriate touching, do not worry.”

Relief and disappointment entwined in Caleb’s guts, but he decided he could unpack that later. “I would like to have some knowledge about who will attend, especially if they are important to you. Such as the name of your parents, or…do you have any siblings?”

“Of course. I’ll send you that information tomorrow; sadly, I need to leave now.”

Caleb nodded and accompanied him out as Essek gave him directions to get to his tailor the next day. When he closed the door of the Xhorhaus behind him with the sound of wind chimes, he leaned back on it for a little while.

The moment Essek had mentioned pretending to be his fake date, Caleb had automatically shut a door to a certain part of his mind, bolted it and looked away, as he did every time the Shadowhand was around. Now might be the time to open it and peek through.

_How are_ _we feeling about this?_ He asked himself. Well. There was a bit of screaming inside his head. A wave of nausea hit him and he doubled over a bit. He placed his hands on his knees and breathed deeply several times.

_Am I insane? How did I agree to this? Going to a party with a bunch of people I don’t know? As Essek’s *date*?_

That last part was what was really rattling him. The Shadowhand was… alluring. He had so much to teach Caleb, and what’s more, seemed willing to do so. He was intelligent, and poised, and hot, by all known deities, so hot, so incredibly hot. Caleb didn’t feel that sort of attraction very often, but his mind had latched onto the drow and didn’t seem willing to let go. If he weren’t worried about the consequences to his group for being rejected, he would have probably already fallen to his knees in front of Essek and begged to suck his cock.

Caleb slammed a hand over that thought as if it were an annoying fly, squashing it back to the darkest recesses of his mind. He needed to focus. He had better things to do than mope on the floor. He got up before any of the Nein could see him, steadied himself against the door for a second, and went back to his room.


	2. Busted

Caleb arrived back to the Xhorhaus at noon, hoping that his absence hadn’t been remarked upon. His hope proved futile.

“Where were you?” Nott’s screech greeted him as soon as he closed the door. She must have been alerted by the chimes.

“Running an errand.”

Jester came through the kitchen door. “You could have told us beforehand, we were worried.”

Nott had run straight to him and was now climbing him like a monkey, scanning him for injuries as she went.

Caleb hugged her loosely and murmured an apology into her hair. He looked up at Jester. “Why not send me a message, then?”

“Because I used all my spell slots talking to my mama! I knew we weren’t planning to do anything dangerous today! And we didn’t know you were gone until like, ten.” She pouted.

“I did not think it would take this long.” He admitted. “I am sorry to have worried you two.”

“Beau was worried too.”

“Was not!” he heard a muffled voice yell from the next room.

Jester ignored her. “And Fjord.”

The latter came through the door as well. “Let us know the next time you want some time for yourself, ok? Leave a note.”

Nott was still clinging to him. A small knot of guilt curled in his stomach.

“I, uh, will be more thoughtful the next time.”

He let Nott down as Caduceus came down the stairs.

“Ah, Caleb, hi. How did the appointment with the tailor go?”

_Sheiße_.

“What?” Beau came out to the foyer as well.

“A tailor?” Nott asked at the same time.

“Caaayleeeb, are you getting fancy clothes without us?”

Caleb sighed deeply and dropped his head. He had hoped to avoid this exact thing, but he had been away longer than expected. It had not taken him a lot of time to find the small shop, slotted between two competing taverns, dimly lit and impregnated of a dusty smell. However, once he had been inside the goblin who ran it had clasped him in her dexterous claws for three hours, taking measurements and making him try an assortment of pre-selected garments until he was ready to keel over.

Caduceus looked apologetic. “I’m sorry, I overheard Essek giving you directions to his tailor yesterday, was it supposed to be a secret?”

Every eye in the room was turned to him. He could feel their looks boring into his skull. There was a brief pause as they waited for him to answer, but he was blatantly unwilling to do so.

“Is Essek getting you cool discounts?” Beau asked nonchalantly, pretending to take a sudden interest in her own nails.

“Are you guys going on a DATE?” Jester all but shrieked. “Are you getting fancy clothes to be presentable for him? Are you-”

She was rudely interrupted by Fjord clamping a hand over her mouth. “Let the man answer! I’m sure that- ach!” Jester had bit him.

“ _Ja_ , okay…” Caleb rubbed his temples. “How about we go take a seat? I will tell you what you want to know.”

They went to the kitchen and sat around the table. Caduceus touched a kettle with his staff to make it boil and started serving them tea. Caleb smelled the cup in front of him; relaxing chamomile. He smiled to the firbolg in thanks, and steeled himself for the coming conversation.

“This is not a national secret, but I think Essek would appreciate it if you did not mention it outside of this house,” he started.

He told them about the conversation with the Shadowhand the day before. He hadn’t planned on it, but the cat was out of the bag in one way or another, and he did not like lying to them.

No one spoke for a while after he had finished.

“Well?” he eventually prodded.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea,” Jester commented, subdued. Caleb had expected her to be excited, to go off on a rant about how it was the perfect scenario for _something_ to happen, but instead she looked concerned.

“Damn right it’s not!” Nott slammed her fists on the table. “That’s so insulting! You’re a great catch!” She was showing her teeth. “Next time this pretty boy shows up, I’m going to give him a piece of my mind!”

“Please, do not,” Caleb pleaded.

“That’s not what I meant,” Jester said.

“I don’t think he would be in any danger,” Fjord replied to her. “We’re still in the Dynasty’s good graces, even if Essek’s patience is growing thin. He wouldn’t allow his den to harm him.”

“Also not what worries me.”

“But Jester, think about all of the food there’s gonna be at that party.” Beau interceded. “They always have good grub at fancy parties. I used to fill my pockets with shrimp before taking an early leave whenever my parents hosted one.” She seemed to get lost in thought for a little. “I wonder what kind of shellfish they have here in Xhorhas…Caleb, you gotta promise that you’ll fill your pockets and share them with all of us.”

“Sadly, I do not think that will be possible.” Caleb replied while staring intensely at a crack on the table. “The pants that the tailor made me try on do not leave much to the imagination. They were…tight. And he said that he would have to take them in even more, because I am so skinny.”

There was another beat of silence around the table.

“I think this is a TERRIBLE idea,” Jester insisted, a little louder.

“He’s going to insult you AND parade you around like a piece of meat?!” Nott exclaimed. “What is this guy’s deal?!”

Caleb thought he better not tell them about the shirt.

“That’s going a bit too far, in my opinion,” Fjord commented. His cheeks looked strangely flushed.

“This is why none of you ever get laid,” Beau muttered under her breath.

Caleb turned to look at Caduceus, who was sitting on his right and hadn’t yet made a comment.

“What do you think, Mr. Clay?” he asked.

Caduceus mulled it over for a moment while, in the background, Fjord and Beau engaged in a discussion about Fjord’s alleged puritanism.

“I think I see Jester’s point but I don’t agree with her conclusion,” he said at last.

“What even is Jester’s point?” Nott asked.

Caduceus and Jester looked at each other. “She doesn’t think it would be good for Caleb’s mental state.”

“Because it’s very insulting?” Nott insisted.

“Because he has a big crushie on Essek!” Jester burst out, and immediately clasped her hands over her mouth.

Fjord and Beau’s discussion was cut abruptly short as they both turned to look to Caleb, who dropped his head on the table and covered it with his arms.

“Ah, that,” Nott deadpanned.

“Yeah, that could pose some issues,” Fjord agreed.

“I think if he played it right, it could work on his favor,” Beau said. “If your goal is to seduce, though, maybe ease up on the shrimp.”

From under his arms, Caleb mumbled “I am not getting you any _verdammt_ shrimp”.

“You know you’re too good for him, right?” Nott prodded his side with her finger. “It’s important for me that you know that.”

“I think everyone at this table would agree,” Jester confirmed, and the others made noises of assent.

Caduceus put a hand on Caleb’s back, rubbing in comforting circles. “Do you wanna go up to your room for a bit? I’ll make sure nobody comes to bother you.”

Caleb sat back and nodded, amid the protests of his companions, and allowed the firbolg to escort him to his room.

“Thank you,” he said as they reached it, “they were being a bit too much.”

Caduceus nodded understandingly. “It’s your life to do so as you please. You’re not obligated to listen to their advice,” he recommended. “They care about you very much, and so do I. Just…” he hesitated, “I trust you to do what is best. Just be careful you don’t get hurt.”

With that he bowed a bit to drop a soft kiss on the top of Caleb’s head and he walked away. Caleb went to lay face-down on the bed. He suddenly had a headache.


	3. Preparations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Small update!

Caleb bent over the desk, looking over the notes that Essek had sent him one last time. He knew them by heart, but he was so nervous that he was concerned his near-eidetic memory would fail him. None of the etiquette rules were hard to keep in mind, luckily, but Essek’s family tree was difficult to follow. Most of the den was consecuted, and as such, they had several families each, one for each of their reincarnations. If Essek hadn’t been on his first life, it would surely be even more complicated. But after three days of poring over the documents, Caleb could probably recite the entirety of Den Thelyss’ genealogy on command.

He tried to tug his pants up again, to no avail. They rode low on his hips, black, way too tight and altogether the most uncomfortable item of clothing he had worn in his life.

“They’re supposed to go like that,” Nott reminded him gently. “Come here so I can do your hair.”

Caleb sat obediently on the floor, next to the bed, and she set up to work. She made a braid on each side of the head, encircling it like a crown, and gathered them with the rest of the hair in a bun. A couple of strands were left loose, framing his face and tastefully curled. To finish the look she wove some dry purple flowers into the hairdo, matching the shirt.

Ah, the shirt. Caleb thought it did not deserve that name. He also doubted that it “toed the line of appropriateness”, as Jester had put it; in his opinion, it fell squarely into the “concubine apparel” category. Its dark purple made it, thankfully, not as see-through as the material would have been otherwise, but it was open all the way down to the navel, not hiding any sins. The sleeves were long, to Caleb’s relief, and puffy; the whole shirt was free-flowing, a total opposite of the clinging pants, to the point where he was concerned about accidental nip slips. It had some purple accents at the seams, but they made it look more trashy than distinguished. He was seriously worried that Den Thelyss would think Essek had plucked him from the streets.

Once Nott was done with his hair, she started massaging Caleb’s shoulders, trying to ease some of his tension and pulling him out of his self-conscious thoughts.

“You can come home if they’re being mean to you,” she reminded him for the umpteenth time, “you don’t have to put up with any of their shit.”

“ _Ja_ , I know.”

“Acting all bitchy might help sell Essek’s point, so don’t be afraid to do that either.” They both snickered. “Now stand up, do a twirl, show off to me.”

Caleb did as she requested. The garments weren’t restraining, per se, but every inch of his skin was screaming in discomfort. He was also cold and itching to put on five more layers. He had a matching sleek coat, but he would probably have to discard that after they reached their destination. Hopefully the venue would be heated more properly than his house.

“You look SO handsome.” She tugged him down a bit so she could cup his cheeks. “That boy is not going to know what hit him.”

He wiggled away, blushing and muttering something. Frumpkin, in the shape of a spider, climbed to his shoulder to try and comfort him, but it was a little difficult when he was in that shape.

His companions had insisted that Frumpkin should go with him, and this was his most inconspicuous form. They weren’t very thrilled that he would be going alone into what could very well turn out to be “a den of wolves”, as Beau had put it. There would be no way to hide his components bag in this outfit, but he didn’t dare go completely defenseless. He had prepared the spells detect magic, expeditious retreat, dispel magic, and counterspell, which didn’t require any physical components. He also had a diminutive pouch of mixed sooth and salt for his comprehend languages spell that he had sewn on the inside of his pants, and he had shoved a piece of chalk into his boot for an emergency teleportation spell. The boots themselves were made of cured leather, which he planned to use to cast mage armor for a bit of emergency protection, since his current garments offered none. He had also hidden some pieces of copper wire in the shirt’s seams, although the only ally he would have in range to message would be Essek himself.

Unless Jester or Nott or the entire group tried to follow him to the location secretly, in which case things would be complicated beyond belief. He had made Caduceus swear to keep them away.

Essentially he was prepared to flee with maximum haste, protect himself, and stop any magic directed at him. Just in case. He trusted Essek well enough, but there was no telling how meddlesome his relatives would be. On the other hand, if someone suspected him of being an Empire spy they might use this occasion to corner him. From what the Nein had seen, people really did not like humans around there.

Nott and Caleb came out of his room and walked downstairs. They passed Dairon, who looked at Caleb’s outfit with a mix of surprise and disgust, but mercifully offered no comment, and came out to the entrance, where the rest of the Nein were waiting.

Jester squealed, Beau wolf-whistled, Fjord swallowed thickly and cleared his throat. Even Caduceus seemed to do a double take when he saw him. Caleb turned around and started back up the stairs; Nott had to drag him down again.

“You look _so_ sexy!” Jester came up to him and fixed his collar.

Fjord’s look seemed glued to his chest. “Yeah, that’s… Yeah.”

Beau put her hands around her mouth and yelled, “Make way for The Mighty Fine!”

Caleb covered his face with his hands. “Please, stop.”

Caduceus came to him and placed a hand on his shoulder. Instantly, a wave of calm washed over him. Everything was going to be okay. The night would be fun and relaxed. He would-

“You have just cast Calm Emotions on me, have you not?”

The firbolg smiled beatifically at him. “It lasts for one minute.”

He tried to enjoy it.

Not even ten seconds after the spell dissipated, making way for a new wave of anxiety, came a knock on the door.


	4. Another perspective

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I have not watched prince of Bel Air since I was like 9, but I saw a photoset with a scene from it, and it kinda sparked this whole fic. I lifted the dialogue from it word for word, with some obvious changes.

When Essek had shared his plans to invite Caleb to his Den’s dinner, his Queen had deemed it a terrible idea, although she had not forbidden it. Essek had asked her authorization because he worried about how it might look, politically, if he were seen canoodling with a tenuous ally, and she had given less than enthusiastic permission. However, she had not wanted to elaborate on the reasons for her disapproval.

She was right, of course, in thinking that it was a stupid move, but Essek considered it a very calculated stupidity. He could not allow himself to take what Caleb seemed so ready to offer, not even if he were a thousand percent sure of the human’s motives. The Mighty Nein seemed to be enjoying their new house in Rosohna, but they also seemed tense, nervous, ready to take flight. An adventuring party such as theirs never planted roots for long, unless they were retiring, but it could be that their nervousness stemmed from a disloyalty to the Dynasty. It would be reckless to trust them with the future of the Dynasty, and even more reckless for Essek to trust their wizard with his feelings.

So, this was the compromise he had made for himself: one night. One night of pretending he had what he coveted, and then he would forget about it. That way, he could put his infatuation beside him.

He had not completely lied to Caleb about his motives; it _would_ help him quiet down his family. At least it would reveal to them what a terrible taste he had, and they would leave him alone for a while, as they had done for his sister when she had brought home Idril, a half-orc.

He was willing to fully indulge himself, though. He had selected the tightest pants he could find, even with the threat that Caleb might refuse to wear them, and the kind of shirt that would get one kicked out from the temple of the Luxon. He could not wait until he saw the ensemble on the scrawny wizard.

A voice in the back of his head chastised him, not for the first time, that he was only digging himself in deeper. But he knew he had the strength of will to resist. It would be fine.

This deeply held belief was shaken when he first laid eyes on Caleb on the evening of the event.

The door of the Xhorhaus opened a crack with a chime of windpipes. On the other side stood the goblin, who looked him up and down with manifest disapproval.

“Is Caleb ready?” Essek asked impatiently.

She gave him the stink eye and didn’t answer, but opened the door fully. They were all at the entrance, but he didn’t see them at first, his attention stolen by Caleb, dressed in the clothes Essek had chosen for him.

He looked good enough to eat. His coat was open, revealing the outfit underneath in all its glory, tight and open and a perfect fit. Essek sent a prayer of thanks to his tailor for the magnificent job she had made, and concentrated on chilling down the heat suddenly gathering at his groin.

The human closed the coat, self-conscious under Essek’s burning gaze. Essek noted that Caleb looked close to hyperventilating. The firbolg next to him murmured something and placed a hand on his shoulder, and his expression relaxed considerably.

Essek realized his mouth had fallen open, and he closed it promptly. He heard the blue one giggle. Caleb had apparently also noticed his reaction, because he came forward to greet him, a lazy smile on his lips.

“Well, you like to show off. Am I show worthy?”

Essek heard the human woman turn a short laugh into a cough.

“You certainly are…something.” His brain was short-circuiting a bit. The woman snorted.

“I don’t mean to overstep,” the half-orc said, “but…”

“He better come back in one piece AND unmolested!” The goblin spoke up from behind him. The others groaned, and Caleb started pushing Essek out of the house.

“We are done here,” he mumbled. “Do not wait up, Nott.”

The goblin hissed menacingly in response and closed the door behind them with a slam.

They walked away quietly. Caleb seemed to gradually lose the cheekiness that he had displayed earlier, until he looked vaguely nauseous. Essek stopped and placed a hand on his arm.

“Are you all right?”

Caleb sighed. “I am not the best when it comes to social situations.”

“You’ve always been more than eloquent in all our conversations.”

The human smiled lightly at the compliment. “It is in large groups where I am most uncomfortable.”

Essek nodded. “Will you be able to go through with it?” He started to think about other possibilities for the night, maybe a nice tavern nearby where they could have a nightcap and some dancing, or going to his own home for a relaxed evening, before remembering that their meeting today had a purpose. If Essek let him off the hook, Caleb might just walk right back to his house.

“I will not cause you any problems,” he promised solemnly. “I will not let you down.” Slowly he lifted his hand and hooked his arm with Essek’s. He squeezed it a bit and smiled.

“No, I do not think you will.”

…

It took them only twenty minutes to arrive to their destination; a sumptuous mansion in the middle of the Firmaments, surrounded by a sunless garden of softly phosphorescent plants. A butler received them at the door and took their coats. Caleb seemed to fiddle with his pants, and Essek noticed that he extracted some powder from them and did a small incantation.

Upon finding himself caught, he explained. “I think it would be easier if I could understand what everyone is saying. I am not fluent in Undercommon.”

Essek nodded and led them to the main chamber. Inside there were already a dozen people, in clusters of three or four. They all turned to them as they came in, and a generalized hush fell over the room.

“Good evening,” Essek greeted with his most winning smile. “It is very nice to see you. May I introduce to you my beloved wizard, Caleb Widogast?”

The human bowed slightly. “It is a pleasure to meet you all.”

There were a couple of how-do-you-do’s and nice-to-meet-you’s from the group after a beat of silence. Essek’s sister looked at them with her lips pursed, barely containing a smirk. His mother was looking at them, frozen, with a glass of wine half way to her mouth and eyes wide open. His father looked from Essek to Caleb in quick pupil movements, trying to add two plus two in his head and unable to come up with another answer other than four. The rest of the drow gathered there looked similarly distraught, although some of them were covering their distaste and surprise with fake, syrupy smiles.

“If you pardon me, I would like to show Caleb the premises while the rest of the guests arrive.”

Essek took Caleb gently by the elbow and led him upstairs amidst the silence of his relatives. He paused when they were out of sight, listening intently.

It took them all of five seconds to start gossiping.

“When Essek described him he didn’t mention he was…a wizard,” his mother said. “Not that I have any problem with people who are…wizards.” She sounded quite upset.

His uncle cleared his throat. “My cousin used to date a girl who was…a wizard.”

“Well, Essek is currently involved in predominantly…wizard’s business,” his father commented, disappointment clear in his voice.

His sister snorted. “Am I alone in this or did no one notice he was a human?”

Essek covered his mouth to stop himself from laughing. Caleb looked equally amused by his side.

“What the hell is wrong with Essek?”

What indeed.


	5. Dinner time

Essek’s mother, Olris, was one of the most beautiful women Caleb had ever seen; she had a wide nose, a square jaw, and plump lips; her long white hair was up in an elaborate labyrinth of braids, and she was wearing the most exquisite of gowns, long and dark grey. She was well into her sixth century, but her face was fresh and young, her age only betrayed by the wisdom in her silver eyes. Caleb knew that she had been working as the director of the Marble Tomes for the last two hundred years, and he was itching with a million questions that he wanted to ask her. Sadly, he had a role to play.

“So what school of magic do you follow, Caleb?” Essek’s mother asked him.

With his most winning smile, he responded, “Transmutation, mostly.”

“Oh? My son mentioned you had some interest in Dunamancy.”

“Oh sure, it looks uber cool, but I am just a human, you know? I do not think I would be able to do it. I mean, Essek talks sometimes about all that gravity and time mumbo jumbo and gosh, I just get lost!” He giggled vapidly, batting his eyelashes for good measure.

Engrossed in another conversation, Essek gave him a look from the corner of his eye, the beginnings of a smile threatening to widen on his lips. Olris was frowning slightly, feeling a headache coming over.

“Everything you do here in the Dynasty is sooo impressive,” Caleb continued, “like those clouds, all day long? They are so pretty! But I do not know how you deal without sunlight.”

He saw Essek pursing his lips, almost shaking with the effort to not laugh.

“You do…know, that we’re photosensitive, right?” she asked him exasperatedly.

“Huh? What does that mean?” he tilted his head.

“It means the light hurt us. The eternal night is for our own comfort.”

Caleb widened his eyes exaggeratedly. “Oh my gosh, I am so sorry! I really put my foot in it, did I not?”

“It’s fine,” Olris replied, seeming to have aged a century during their brief exchange, and mentioned that she had to check something in the kitchen, a pale excuse to get out of the conversation.

Essek stepped up to him and bowed to put his mouth in line with Caleb’s ear. “This is wonderful, but I would appreciate it if you toned it down a little. I am very close to losing my composure.”

The room was warm enough, even for his obscenely open shirt, but still Caleb had to suppress a shiver at the whisper. He nodded.

The rest of the pre-dining time blurred and merged together in Caleb’s mind. He followed Essek around like a lost puppy, pretending not to understand the jabs at him in Undercommon and the veiled insults in Common.

The atmosphere was pleasant enough, more like a family reunion than a politician’s get together. But the attitude of the den members was testing him a little. They moved exaggeratedly out of the way when he passed by, as if he were contagious. They looked at him with superiority and disdain. Everyone was polite to him, but there was certain tightness to their eyes. The only exception was Essek’s sister, Elerra, a plucky young drow in her third life who seemed to be delighted with the whole thing.

“I see what you’re doing,” she whispered to Essek in Undercommon when there wasn’t anyone else within earshot. “A human, genius. Wish I had thought of that.”

“Thank you for the idea.” Essek whispered back. “How is Idril, by the way?”

“Up for a good time and not pestering me otherwise. A dream come true.” She winked at Caleb, but continued talking to his brother. “You must be dying to unwrap this one.”

Essek floundered. “Mm, no, that is, em, no. Not what is going on here. At all.”

Caleb was surprised to see him so flustered. He tried not to think about the implications of what Elerra had just said.

She looked at him funny. “What a waste, then,” and bounced away.

It was soon time to sit at the table, which was long enough to accommodate over thirty people, with the hosts, Essek’s parents, sitting at the head. The food was nothing less than regal; the entrée, served by a small fleet of servers who looked at Caleb as disdainfully as the rest of the guests, was composed of a series of pear-shaped red vegetables, with a consistency and taste similar to pumpkin, some roasted nuts that he did not recognize, and a light green puree. Caleb looked at the utensils that were meant for this dish, a small knife and fork sitting the furthest away from the plate, and disregarded them in favor of the dessert spoon, which he used to hack away shoddily at the vegetables.

He could feel the disapproval radiating from everyone on a ten feet radius. _Good_.

The main was an artistically cut chunk of meat, so tender that it melted as soon as it met one’s tongue. Caleb seized the opportunity to moan as he put it in his mouth, which was not difficult to fake, for it truly was that good. But he left almost untouched its accompanying root vegetables, complaining that the seasoning on them was too spicy, which gathered him some truly nasty looks from everyone within earshot. Essek sipped wine next to him, completely unfazed to the untrained eye.

At a whispered warning from Essek, he had stayed away from the alcohol, which would most likely not have agreed with his constitution. But he did pretend to drink as the evening went on, letting his eyes glaze over and his speech slur the slightest bit, just to properly sell the character that he was playing. Essek was not following his own advice, and after a couple of glasses he seemed looser, more relaxed.

For dessert they were presented with a crystal glass, filled with the airiest white chocolate mousse in Wildemount, covering a centre of berry jam, dark chocolate ganache, and with a pistachio praline on top. Caleb was so overwhelmed with the flavor that he forgot to do anything untoward with it, only coming to his senses when it was finished. He decided to put his finger in the glass and scrape the remnants of the dessert with it, bringing it to his mouth and sucking it clean. The drow sitting in front of him, one of Essek’s many uncles, looked uncomfortable. He turned around to sneak a glance at Essek and found him looking at his fingers, entranced.

When he found himself caught, he looked away, shaking his head slightly, and took another long swing of his drink. Caleb wiped his finger off and pretended to be very interested in the mantle.

His thoughts, however, remained fixated on the Shadowhand. During the whole evening, Essek had been unusually tactile with Caleb, guiding him with a hand on his lower back, touching his elbow to attract his attention, even placing an arm on his shoulders while they were talking to his father. All, Caleb was sure, in order to maintain the charade. But during the dinner he had amped it up even more. He often came closer, sharing gossip right beside his ear. He had caressed his nape for a moment, and had taken his hand distractedly once or twice. And all his touches _lingered_.

He also seemed to be delighted by all the clunky ways in which Caleb was making himself a nuisance, visibly having a hard time keeping it together. To anyone watching, he was sure, it looked like he was just so besotted with his unusual date, that he could not help but laugh at his antics. But Caleb saw the warmth behind it, the real amusement, almost as if…

His thoughts were derailed when Essek placed a hand on his thigh.

It was still decent, not too high. He squeezed it a bit and caressed it with his thumb. Caleb tried to show no reaction, although he was sure his face had turned redder than his hair. Luckily, no one was paying attention.

That was the thing _, no one was paying attention_. No one could see it. Why was he doing it then, if not for their act? Maybe…

 _No_. He sternly squashed down the thought before it could come to life. It was stupid to even entertain it.

He turned his gaze to Essek, who was smiling at him, softer and happier than he had ever seen him. Caleb couldn’t help but smile back. For a brief moment, Caleb considered kissing him. It would not look extremely out of place, would be seen as understandable from a new couple. Essek would have to play along if he wanted the ruse to continue. But Caleb would never corner him like that, or risk breaking his trust. He wanted to keep him as a friend, if anything else was out of reach, Caleb’s own dumb feelings be damned.

Some of his somber thoughts might have shown on his face, because Essek’s smile fell away.

“Are you alright?”

“ _Ja_ , nothing is wrong.” He smiled nervously, but he knew it looked fake.

Essek came excessively close again. “We have spent enough time here, I guess…we can leave.”

Altogether they had been there for four hours so far. Caleb had had to recast his comprehend languages spell twice, and then had been too wrung out to do it a third time.

“ _Nein_ ,” Caleb placed a hand on the one on his knee, “you are having fun. I cannot imagine that you have a lot of occasions to be with your family, _ja_?” He smiled, genuinely this time. “I would not want to deprive you of that.”

Essek entwined their fingers together and raised their hands so he could place a kiss on Caleb’s knuckles. “You are such a gentleman. So sweet.”

Caleb’s brain short-circuited. He sputtered some disjointed syllables, making Essek chuckle.

“But the evening is winding down either way, and I do think I have had my fun.” He indicated with a tilt of his head his aunt, who was sending venomous looks at their tender display.

“Are you sure you do not want me to go dance like a drunk person?” Caleb asked, pointing with his head the lute player who had been providing musical entertainment for the evening.

Essek laughed, open and free. “Please, I will really lose it. Spare me.”

They got up from the table. Caleb pretended to stumble, as if the wine had stolen his balance, and giggled when Essek caught him. Essek apologized for their early departure, with the excuse that he had a full day of work waiting for him in the morning, and held him up as they walked outside.


	6. Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who commmented, subscribed, and left kudos!  
> Shout-out to my wife for beta-ing :)

The air was colder outside and there were less people in the streets, although the amount of light had not changed. Caleb fastened his coat tightly, but Essek seemed unbothered by the cold. When Caleb turned to look at him, he was surprised to see that he was walking instead of gliding, and even more surprising, that he was a good two inches shorter than Caleb.

“Uh, what are you doing down here with the rest of us mortals?”

Essek cocked his head at him, uncomprehending. Then he looked down at his feet. “Oh. Well. Don’t drink and levitate, is what my father always says.”

It startled a guffaw out of Caleb, which seemed to please the drow immensely.

“May I ask…”

“It’s painful to walk without support,” Essek cuts him. “Such a shame I left my cane at home, the truth is I could use it right now.”

The wizard took the opportunity and offered his arm. “May I offer a substitute?”

“Of course.” He linked their arms together, and they continued their path at a leisure pace.

Essek babbled about his den’s reactions to their little game; even though Caleb had been able to understand what they were saying, it seemed as if his human ears had missed a number of details. There had been a couple of people who had whispered, angry and offended, that maybe someone should tell the cook to drop a little belladonna to his plate. A cousin had had to be bodily restrained, for she had been dead set on kicking him out herself.

“Is that the one who kept glaring daggers at me from across the table? The one in the light pink dress?”

“That would be the cousin, yes.” He hesitated. “Look over your shoulder for a few days? I don’t think she would try anything, but…”

“I will walk around with the symbol of the Bright Queen on my chest. Maybe that will deter her?”

“I’m not sure.” Essek bit his lip. “That was my strategy. I told her you were a hero of the Dynasty, worthy of her respect. That you had been the one to return our Beacon and save our worship of the Luxon.” He shrugged. “She didn’t seem to believe me.”

“I am not surprised. You were exaggerating a bit.” He looked down to the ground, studiously avoiding the other’s gaze.

Essek frowned. “I did not. Everything I said was true.”

“To make me look _undesirable_ , I mean,” he emphasized the word a little, out of spite.

“Oh, I don’t think I could have ever accomplished that,” he said with a tender look on his face.

The wizard took a few deep breaths, chocking down on the hopeful part of his brain. He defused the sudden tension by imitating the accents of Essek’s relatives, so poorly that Essek laughed out loud.

They continued their path. Caleb noticed that they were taking a different route than the one they had taken before. He also noticed that this one was longer, winding around Rosohna instead of tracing a direct path. He didn’t mention it. He would take as much time on Essek’s arm as he could get.

Sadly, soon they could see the tree on the roof of the Xhorhaus. Shortly before reaching their destination, Essek stopped, staring at it.

“You people are… a little strange.”

“ _You people_?” Caleb mocked in fake outrage. “Humans, you mean?”

“Your group.”

Caleb chuckled. “Well, yes. I cannot defend myself from that.”

“I do not mean it as an insult,” Essek explained softly. “You are all… surprising. You most of all.”

There was a brief pause. “Because I returned the Beacon?”

“Among other things.”

Essek turned to look at him. His expression was serious, and a little bit sad.

“Um, you know, it was a good idea,” Caleb stumbled over his words, breathed in and out before continuing. “Planting the tree. I, uh, like having roots here.”

“In the Dynasty?”

“In Rosohna.” He swallowed thickly. “Close to you.”

Essek let go of his arm. His face scrunched up with a spasm of sadness, and he covered it with his hands. “Leylas was right, this was a terrible idea.”

“Leylas?” _The Queen? What did she have to do with this?_ “What was?”

“I promised myself one evening. Just one indulgence, and then I would be able to move on more easily.” He pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes. “But now I feel worse.”

“ _Was_? I do not understand.” He gently grabbed Essek’s hands and cradled them in his own. “Why?”

His voice was hollow, hopeless. “Indulging in the fantasy that you would allow me to call you my own.” He hung his head.

Caleb was struck dumb for a moment. Then he pressed Essek’s hands against his own chest with one hand and reached up to cup the drow’s face with the other.

“ _Liebling_ , please.” He pleaded. “Look at me.”

Essek did. And Caleb kissed him.

It was gentle, soft. Nothing like the hurried kisses with Astrid that they had had to hide from Ikithon, a rabid competition like everything else. Essek surrounded him with his arms and tugged him closer, kissing him back. He was almost trembling when they broke apart.

“Jester also said that it would be a terrible idea.” Caleb tried to cover how out of breath the brief kiss had left him. “But I am of the opinion that it turned out okay.”

Essek giggled, a watery sound. “You could still be an Empire spy.” He sobered up, going for stern but landing squarely on tragic. “You could be trying to get under my skin to use me for your purposes.”

Caleb kissed him again, briefly, to get that look off his face. It almost worked. “I assure you I am not. Are you trying to seduce me for nefarious reasons?”

“No.” He sounded painfully sincere. “By the Light, I’m not. But I have no way to convince you.”

“I may have one.” He kissed him again for good measure. “My friend, she has a spell called Zone of Truth. It would make you incapable of lying under its influence. I imagine you or one of your associates has similar magic?”

“Yes. It is not my specialty, but I have a close friend who can do something similar.”

“Then we submit to it. You to my friend’s spell, I to yours. We ask each other what we need to know, in a situation where the truth will be unavoidable.”

Essek mulled it over for a minute, and a smile started spreading on his face. “It could work.”

“Then,” Caleb took a deep breath to give himself courage, “then we go on a proper date. No pretenses, no lies. No open shirts.”

“Of course,” Essek chuckled. “I’m sorry about the outfit. I was trying to indulge…”

“At my expense,” Caleb chastised without any real heat.

“I am sorry. Can I kiss you again?”

They came together, for a bit longer this time. Caleb felt vulnerable and raw and bursting with joy. He wanted to crawl out of his skin and into Essek’s.

“I am sure you could levitate us to my room,” Caleb suggested against his lips, “if you wanted to.”

The drow growled at the suggestion, but controlled himself in a second, pulling away. “I would rather not be flayed alive by your friends. I think if I want to keep my skin, you better go back in through the front door.”

“Levitate yourself afterwards,” Caleb insisted. His pupils were dilated with want.

“I…” he hesitated. “I would rather you trust me fully, and I trust you fully, before we take matters further.”

Caleb sighed deeply. “I understand.”

They broke their embrace but joined their hands and resumed their walk to the house.

“Tomorrow evening,” Essek suggested. “I will bring my friend here, if you are amenable.”

“ _Ja_ , that works.”

They stopped in front of the door. Essek gave him one last, long kiss, and broke away with a sigh.

“When you trust me, I will take you out,” Essek promised. “I will treat you like a king, like you deserve. I am going to spoil you rotten.”

Caleb nodded, blushing. “Good night, Mr. Shadowhand.”

“Good night, Mr. Widogast.”

He winked at him and walked away into the night.

Caleb stayed by the door for a moment, taking in the bubbling joy in his chest. Essek had agreed to submit to the spell; he probably wasn’t the traitor. The following evening would just be a formality. He smiled to himself, thinking of all the things he would do when that was out of the way, and stepped into the house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> critical-mar drew fanart of this!! Go check it out!!  
> https://sellmethisdog.tumblr.com/post/189650176586/go-read-this-they-cute


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